A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?