wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
You Might Also Like
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*