Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!