ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
God, I love Scotland
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.