5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“I FIXED IT!”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”