Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I feel it
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?