“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??