“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.