Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Cause of death: Zumba
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.