Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”