Happy weekend !
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT