My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Generation gap…
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread