(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I have no passwords left in me
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…