“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.