Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
You are not alone 💚
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
How do dragons blow out candles?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*