Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D