A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
my first day as a raccoon
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.