-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…