*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
That’s no pocket rocket.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.