If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
*looks at you in batman voice*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
why I oughta
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
R.I.P.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.