[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*lint rolls you awake*
Netflix and you sit over there.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
an airline just for babies.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.