The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
a badder mouse
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work