in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.