My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car