My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Its a hippotatomus
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Does beer think about me too?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Spider-cat: No One Home
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
This is not me but this is me
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.