just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing