No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
👾👾👾
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t