TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything