I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
You Might Also Like
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?