Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Breaking news:
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.