You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.