Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*