My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Anyone want a chair?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.