Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks