judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
when dads have a rap battle
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.