The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.