Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.