I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.