Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
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Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.