Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce