my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven鈥檛 broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I鈥檇 know when I鈥檓 about to do something stupid.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there鈥檇 be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don鈥檛 be ridiculous
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we鈥檙e out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father鈥檚 Day so apparently my days are numbered
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Date: omg it鈥檚 so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don鈥檛 need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*