FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
You Might Also Like
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.