80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You Might Also Like
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
technically true but not a great slogan
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.