Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
That eye roll….
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.