On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing