thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You Might Also Like
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]