There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?