“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You Might Also Like
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I’m giving up ice.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.