The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
when you order from DoorDastardly
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.