wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”